I read something recently, and I honestly cannot recall where, but the gist of her (I am certain it was a her) comment was that we get to decide who can knock us down and who can’t. That might not seem powerful to those of you out there that are self-realized and have escaped the trap of self-loathing. But, to me, it was somehow eye-opening. It’s simple, yes. It’s basic, yes. It’s something I probably already knew and maybe something I’d been told before.
I’m not quite sure what it was about those words, but I even felt the need to share them with Cynical. I’m not sure they impacted him quite the way it did me, but when something hits you like that, you wanna throw it at someone else.
So, I get to decide. It’s an odd concept for me: deciding. It’ll take some getting used to, but here goes. I’ve decided that I do know a thing or two and sometimes I know more about something than you do. I’ve decided that even though I’m overweight it doesn’t mean I’m lazy or gluttonous and it doesn’t make me less of a person any more than having straight hair or green eyes. I’ve decided that I am wrong sometimes, but I’d rather be wrong or mess up than never take a risk or conjecture or talk out loud. I’ve decided that you aren’t always right, just because you say you are. I’ve decided I am as good, as strong and as capable as you are. And I’ve decided that you don’t have the power. You can talk and I can listen, but pointing out my flaws to make yourself feel better or continually announcing yourself as the best and the smartest, will get you nowhere with me. I’m taking away your self-assigned superpowers. I’m giving myself a few.
I am off. Just off a little, but enough so that I am not quite back into my routine and many things are going undone. I haven’t downloaded photos from either recent trip. I have yet to really get all of the laundry done. Our mums, still frozen from the recent frosts, are sadly sitting on the porches. It’s fine. I’ll eventually get back into my groove, or else I’ll create a new one. We’re back. We’re home and it’s where we’ll be for a little bit. Portland was marvelous. Portland was cold and rainy. Portland was my kinda place. Amazing food. Great coffee. Green attitude. Walkable. Inviting. Creative. Conscious. I want to go back. . . and some days I dream of going back for good.
I’m still in a bit of a fog. I’m blaming all of the travel, time changes and dip in temperatures. My body wants to begin hibernation, but my mind is still clawing to get back in touch and on top of things.
The week has been quiet. We’ve been settling back in, one step at a time. I often do my best pondering when we travel. I have time to daydream. I take the opportunity to break away. I am able to gain a different perspective. So, I’m working to institute some of the changes I contemplated, to incorporate my new take and to dig into my life from a different angle.
For now, however, I might just take a breath, wear a warm sweater and let these fall days wash over me. What’s the rush?
For a very long time now I’ve posted a photo and a note or two each and every day. Once in a while the photo didn’t load, but for the most part, I’ve been viligent about this blog.
I logged on today to catch-up a bit. I’d written notes. I’d taken photos. I was ready to get back on track. However, when I looked, I realized that I’d been neglectful for about two weeks. One of those weeks we were vacationing, so I’m giving myself a pass on that. For the days prior I don’t offer an excuse, but perhaps a reason.
It’s been a stressful time for me. I won’t go into details, suffice to say it involves work and that always spills over into my “real life”. And it’s a bit difficult to concentrate on anything else. There’s no room in this tiny brain of mine.
So, let’s leave it at that. Let’s talk about vacationing on small coastal South Carolina islands. Let’s talk about the Gullah history of the area, the beach just outside our door or the cool breeze that you can hear move gently through the trees. Let’s recall the alligator gently floating along the the side of the pond. Let’s be amazed yet again by the beautiful (and large) birds, that tiny little armadillo or the fox squirrels. Let’s dream of seafood, drinks called Scrap Iron and friendly folks anxious to share their island with us. Let’s step back into leisurely mornings and quiet afternoons. Let’s read a while. Let’s visit the school where Pat Conroy once taught. Instead let’s walk along the ocean and find pretty shells.
That’s so much better than reliving the week before we left, right?
I’m still waging this war on stuff. Stuff here. Stuff there. Stuff everywhere. We manage our stuff. We move our stuff. We dust our stuff. We trip over stuff. And last night I moved a bunch of said stuff out of the basement where it had been in a holding pattern waiting for a yard sale. Time and patience got the best of me and I decided to just donate it.
I confess that as excited as I was to see the nice, cleared area where boxes has once stood, I wanted to lift the lid on those boxes and take a peek. I didn’t. I was afraid of what I might do.
There is this ongoing battle between me and stuff. I feel overwhelmed. I feel attached. I want to purge. I want to fuel my creative juices.
I spent part of the evening boxing up stuff that was intended for a yard sale. Limited time and interest have lead me to simply donate the stuff. Moving it out of the house will be one step in the right direction.
An extended, relaxing vacation to refocus will be the next.
I cut back the flowers and the plants in our planting beds. It seemed much like a final farewell to summer. When I rounded the house with my bounty of leaves, stems and limbs, I spied my fall/winter garden, with the kale pushing through, the tomatoes still hanging on and a little chard reaching for the sun. It’s not quite over, I thought, the bounty. I’ll miss the long days of sun, but I welcome all that the seasons ahead hold.
I cast-on for a wool sweater, my little nod to the autumn already with us and winter ahead.
The sun shown bright through the trees and I was reminded of the beauty of the autumn light. I sat on the porch for a bit and soaked it all in. It was cool enough for a long-sleeved shirt and when I went to bed, I nestled beneath all of the blankets, surprised at how chilly it had gotten.